she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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