1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
