I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
