He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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