Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cut my penus on the lid.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
