You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
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I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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