I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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