made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Who died my cat blue again?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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