When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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