Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
