Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
