R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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