I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
