so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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