found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
