You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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