he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
