I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
3pm strippers are depressing
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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