I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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