Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
