I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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