You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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