Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
