Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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