My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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