We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
