Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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