i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
