I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
