I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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