So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
