you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
