i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We are two peas in an std pod
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
