Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
