Just cropdusted the office
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
