I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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