i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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