sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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