I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
