I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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