we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
