Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
