Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
