I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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