Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
