I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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