this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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