i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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