I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Is it because I queefed?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
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I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.