My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.