nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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