I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
