im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
