Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I stole a fireplace last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
