did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
