I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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